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may HORRORscopes

ARIES: Pamper yourself. You deserve it. No seriously, put on a diaper. TAURUS: Your teenage son has impregnated Brandy, the neighborhood bitch. Thankfully, Brandy is only a labradoodle. GEMINI:...

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june HORRORscopes

ARIES: You will invent a "baby suitcase" that makes family travel a snap! And you'll have just enough time to file for your patent before they drag you off to the clink. TAURUS: Your illegitimate child...

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july HORRORscopes

ARIES: The Bad News: A wayward bottle rocket will blow off nine of your fingers. The Good News: No more cooking, laundering, dusting, vacuuming, or carpool driving. Ever! TAURUS: The Bad News: An...

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august HORRORscopes

ARIES: So, your kids convinced you to buy them a pet chimpanzee. It's bad enough he hangs from the chandelier and requires 10 to 12 diaper changes a day, but does he really have to laugh...

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september HORRORscopes

ARIES: Yowzer. With Jupiter in Uranus, this looks like a good month to visit the proctologist. TAURUS: Pluto is now entering your house of romance. Because nothing says hot sex like a big, annoying,...

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october HORRORscopes

ARIES: This Halloween you won't have to buy one of those spooky CDs that features moaning, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and uncontrollable sobbing. Nope. The crappy economy has ensured those sounds will...

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november HORRORscopes

ARIES: Mars is in your house of fame. What's that mean? Simply put: you, a stubborn wedgie, and YouTube. TAURUS: Only 55 shopping days left until your MasterCard grows a fist and punches you square in...

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december HORRORscopes

ARIES: On the first day of Christmas your true love gave to you: a Partridge Family 8-track and a dented can of Bartlett pears in heavy syrup. TAURUS: On the second day of Christmas your true love gave...

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january HORRORscopes

In honor of a new year, we present you with some astrological resolutions. As well as what's more likely to transpire. ARIES: Resolution: Help your husband clean out the closet. More Likely: Help your...

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february HORRORscopes

Our February HORRORscopes are for all you parents delusional enough to think you'll have a romantic Valentine's Day. Yes, you can buy the chocolate-dipped strawberries, you can buy the thong. But you...

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march HORRORscopes

If March "comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb," well then, parents, this month the stars have it that... ARIES: You'll go into Gymboree Play & Music a well-meaning, albeit somewhat...

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april HORRORscopes

ARIES: Your wife will cook Passover dinner in a thong, and your son will wait to get the stomach bug after your cross-country flight from Boise to Boca. April Fools! TAURUS: This month, you'll always...

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