Our February HORRORscopes are for all you parents delusional enough to think you'll have a romantic Valentine's Day. Yes, you can buy the chocolate-dipped strawberries, you can buy the thong. But you can't freeze the kids in carbonite. At least not legally.
ARIES: You'll get halfway through an overcooked lobster tail before a call from the sitter asking where you keep the Shop-Vac.
TAURUS: You'll get two egg rolls into a Pupu Platter before a call from the sitter asking where you keep the rubber gloves.
GEMINI: You'll get three bites into your Dover sole before a call from the sitter asking where you keep the leafblower. And the Benadryl. And a waterproof mattress pad.
CANCER: A couple of sips of your cosmo before a call from the sitter asking if your health plan covers dental. And mental. And the neighbor's Mercedes.
LEO: Fuck it. We're staying in this year. It'll be romantic. I promise. Just let me just get the kids bathed.
VIRGO: And let me get them into their pajamas. And let me Q-tip their ears. And maybe clip their fingernails. And toenails.
LIBRA: Tell you what, Honey. While I'm up here doing the bedtime routine, why don't you go on and put the lasagna in the oven. Oh, and let the wine breathe. What? I'm just reminding them to brush their teeth. What's that? Yes. It's in the fridge. The fridge! On the third shelf. Behind the milk. The MILK! THEGODDAMNEDMILK!
SCORPIO: For the love of all things sacred! Behind the milk! What are you? Blind? Deaf? Certifiably insane? And as for you two, I am not reading another book. Get in bed this instant!!! Your father and I are trying to have a romantic goddamned dinner!!!
SAGITTARIUS: OK. One more book. But not that one. What? This one? The Giving Tree? The Giving Tree?! Why don't you just go on and smother me slowly? It's so sad. It's about someone who gives and gives and gives until she's nothing more than a withered old stump.
CAPRICORN: I am NOT crying. Now turn out the lights.
AQUARIUS: NOW!! AND QUIT YELLING AT EACH OTHER!!! DON'T YOU KNOW WE DON'T YELL IN THIS HOUSE?
PISCES: Is that the smoke alarm?