In honor of a new year, we present you with some astrological resolutions. As well as what's more likely to transpire.
ARIES: Resolution: Help your husband clean out the closet. More Likely: Help your husband come out of the closet.
TAURUS: Resolution: Low Carb. More Likely: Low Care.
GEMINI: Resolution: Have another kid. More Likely: Hire another kid.
CANCER: Resolution: Bring home the bacon. More Likely: Bring home the swine flu.
LEO: Resolution: Buns of steel. More Likely: Old hot dog buns with the mold picked off and then smeared with jelly are perfectly acceptable to serve your kids for breakfast, right?
VIRGO: Resolution: Potty training. More Likely: Pot.
LIBRA: Resolution: Go to the gym. More Likely: Jim Beam.
SCORPIO: Resolution: Eat organic and local. More Likely: The Chipotle down the street.
SAGITTARIUS: Resolution: Read War and Peace. More Likely: Tie your own tubes.
CAPRICORN: Resolution: Go to Australia. More Likely: Get the runs at Outback Steakhouse.
AQUARIUS: Resolution: Train for a marathon. More Likely: Thomas the Train marathon.
PISCES: Resolution: Go back to school to get a master's degree. More Likely: Go back to school to drop off your kid's clarinet.