ARIES: Your wife will cook Passover dinner in a thong, and your son will wait to get the stomach bug after your cross-country flight from Boise to Boca. April Fools!
TAURUS: This month, you'll always be able to find the remote, the cordless phone, your keys, and your private parts. April Fools! You're still disgustingly absentminded and have a massive gut.
GEMINI: Using your last three vacation days to re-grout the bathroom, as well as marrying your college drinking buddy, were both excellent ideas. April Fools!
CANCER: You just woke up from chaperoning the Boy Scout camping trip to find you've soiled your sleeping bag. April Fools! It wasn't you. It was the platypus you invited to your tent for a nightcap.
LEO: Squeezing into your high school cheerleading skirt is totally NOT hazardous to your health. April Fools! Somebody get some Vaseline and a crowbar and some dynamite and the Jaws of Life and a couple of chainsaws and some oxygen. Oh, and a camera.
VIRGO: Your grown son will NOT move into the basement and your husband will NOT move in with that gal who has the rhinestone dimple piercings and works the Sonic drive-thru and your mother will NOT move into your guest room. April Fools! I'll start packing for your move to the asylum.
LIBRA: Of course you're still young enough to wear a bikini at the beach. April Fools, Granny! Here's a Hoveround!
SCORPIO: For Easter, your husband will give you a Dyson vacuum and a round of applause. April Fools! Make that a Dustbuster and the clap.
SAGITTARIUS: You're the bachelor sign of the zodiac. April Fools! I meant creepy-old-man-at-the-end-of-the-bar-wearing-a-Jimmy-Buffet-shirt-who's-covered-in-suspicious-sunspots-and-drugstore-cologne sign of the zodiac.
CAPRICORN: Uranus is moving through Capricorn. April Fools! I meant, candy corn is moving through your anus.
AQUARIUS: If you have to watch one more episode of iCarly, you'll load a shotgun and go running through your neighborhood. April Fools! You already did that last week during The Suite Life of Zack and Cody marathon. How's that ankle monitor treating you?
PISCES: You're getting audited by the IRS. April Fools! You’re getting audited by Scientologists.