ARIES: You will invent a "baby suitcase" that makes family travel a snap! And you'll have just enough time to file for your patent before they drag you off to the clink.
TAURUS: Your illegitimate child will show up on the doorstep selling Girl Scout cookies. Never mind that he's 18, wearing a beanie, and completely sold out of Peanut Butter Patties.
GEMINI: What sounds good for dinner? Rack of Lamb? Lobster? Linguine with clam sauce? How about three toddlers beating you senseless with a Wiffle ball bat and a couple of Goldfish crackers on the side?
CANCER: Aliens will abduct your husband. Why does he always get to have all the fun while you're stuck with the ironing?
LEO: Good news! This month, you will NOT get poison ivy OR be called by telemarketers! No, sir. It'll be hemorrhoids and jury duty.
VIRGO: Sadly, at the age of 40, "seven minutes in the closet" involves nothing more than hiding from the kids in an L.L.Bean duffle while you eat the last fudgesicle.
LIBRA: Typical Libra, you can never make up your mind. Should you get a vasectomy or shouldn't you? Here's an idea: how about a lobotomy?
SCORPIO: No, that doesn't make you look fat. But everything else does.
SAGITTARIUS: Good luck trying to explain to your kids the difference between "recreational" and "chronic."
CAPRICORN: You’ll do "the worm" at a baby shower. Nice.
AQUARIUS: Unfortunately, your insurance does not cover the hiatal hernia you suffered while trying to extract a Buzz Lightyear from its packaging.
PISCES: You're a dreamer, an idealist, a wishful thinker. And a pretty good handyman to boot. Who else could turn a guest room into a meth lab in three days?