ARIES: So, your kids convinced you to buy them a pet chimpanzee. It's bad enough he hangs from the chandelier and requires 10 to 12 diaper changes a day, but does he really have to laugh uncontrollably, smack his forehead in pity, and mime that he's fondling a pair of floppy man-boobs when he sees you naked? Geez.
TAURUS: Summer is almost over and what do you have to show for it? Oh, that's right: a dozen melted Disney DVDs on your dashboard and deeper crow's feet.
GEMINI: You're the twins of the zodiac, which is really just a nice way of saying you suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder. Yes, I'm talking to you. No, the other you.
CANCER: Who says you're a bitch? Well, besides your husband, ex-husband, kids, stepkids, co-workers, boss, mother, mother-in-law, father, father-in-law, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, neighbors, telemarketer, hair stylist, accountant, dog, bank teller, dentist, mail carrier, gynecologist, first grade teacher, shrink, meter reader, paperboy, hermit crab, grandmother, and God?
LEO: Remember, it is not appropriate to ask for a "double" at a lemonade stand. Nor should you ask if they take American Express.
VIRGO: Stop being so uptight! Take that pole out of you-know-where, have it installed in your bedroom, and don't blame me when you slip a disk trying to do the "Inverted Fireman" in a pair of granny panties.
LIBRA: You're not fooling anyone. A Dave Matthews sticker on a minivan does not say "cool." It says: "I used to go to concerts a long time ago, but now I spend most of my days in clothing that smells of rancid baby formula. I really have no life, or breasts, to speak of, but if you wink at me while I'm driving, I'll probably make out with you at the next gas station parking lot, that is, right after I stop choking on my coffee because no one has winked at me since I went to that Dave Matthews concert in 1996."
SCORPIO: Huggies and Heineken. Sounds like a great Saturday night. Too bad you'll only be able to stay awake for the Huggies part.
SAGITTARIUS: You really should have that looked at.
CAPRICORN: The 2009/2010 homeroom teacher list just arrived! And what a coincidence that you once dated your son's fourth grade teacher. Well, if "dated" is synonymous with "threw up on during The Blair Witch Project."
AQUARIUS: According to the National Drought Monitor, you'll probably get some nookie in 2098. Until then, it's just you and the sprinkler.
PISCES: Only you would think to replace your son's dead goldfish with a baby carrot.