ARIES: Yowzer. With Jupiter in Uranus, this looks like a good month to visit the proctologist.
TAURUS: Pluto is now entering your house of romance. Because nothing says hot sex like a big, annoying, cartoon dog.
GEMINI: I'm not quite certain what a transiting Chiron in your ascendant sign of Scorpio means, but it probably has something to do with adult-onset acne.
CANCER: This month's full moon is brought to you by a trouserless teenage hooligan on your front lawn.
LEO: This September, Saturn moves through your fourth house. Fourth house?! Just who the hell do you think you are Little Miss Hey Look At Me With Four Houses? Is one of them in Aspen? Palm Beach? Soho? Well, I sure as hell hope one of them's in Death Effing Valley, you rich a-hole.
VIRGO: Sadly, this month's lunar eclipse reveals nothing more than your desperate and long overdue need for Rogaine.
LIBRA: You're on the cusp of a major breakthrough. Silly me. I mean breakdown.
SCORPIO: Oopsie daisy. This month, Orion's belt buckle falls off and lands in your driveway, destroying your in-laws' Winnebago. Just take a wild guess where they'll be bunking for the next seven or so months.
SAGITTARIUS: All the stars are shooting. At you.
CAPRICORN: There's a college-dropout Aries in your honor-roll Virgo. And it's all happening in the backseat of your Ford Taurus.
AQUARIUS: This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. The OLD age.
PISCES: Oh, Pisces. Only your chart would show a constellation of SpongeBob funneling beer.