ARIES: This Halloween you won't have to buy one of those spooky CDs that features moaning, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and uncontrollable sobbing. Nope. The crappy economy has ensured those sounds will emanate from your house for free.
TAURUS: Putting razor blades in Red Delicious apples is something only a psychopathic, homicidal maniac would think to do. But dipping several dozen Philips Norelco Electric Shavers in dark chocolate, sprinkling them with toasted coconut, and offering them to trick-or-treaters is just downright Martha Stewart-ish.
GEMINI: The Teletubby costume in a men's size XXL might have been a bad idea, but the bulletproof vest sure as hell wasn't.
CANCER: This month, it looks like the only thing you need to complete your crazy-drunk-ugly-mean-neighborhood-man-who-talks-to-himself-and-yells-at-children-while-raking-his-yard costume is the rake.
LEO: Knock knock. Who's there? The I.R.S.
VIRGO: Hey there, Borderline Personality Lady Who Drives Her Kids To School With Curlers In Her Hair And Has A Stogie Hanging Off Her Bottom Lip. Have you met Crazy Drunk Ugly Mean Neighborhood Man Who Talks To Himself And Yells At Children While Raking His Yard? Well, this month it looks like the stars are aligned for love. Either that or a restraining order.
LIBRA: You've been toying with the idea of hosting a haunted house for trick-or-treaters this year. Instead, why not just invite them in for a bowl of Dinty Moore beef stew while you talk about how you failed your G.E.D.? Now that's downright terrifying.
SCORPIO: It's not a good idea to bob for apples at your age. Especially when your ex-wife's foot is on the back of your head.
SAGITTARIUS: Newly divorced, you're excited for a Halloween out on the town with some other cougars. Unfortunately, the other cougars are actually pumas. And your leopard skin coat has them feeling pretty amorous.
CAPRICORN: The universe is unsure which crime is more egregious: your prankster son slashing some tires, or you having the audacity to give trick-or-treaters those crappy candy dots on paper.
AQUARIUS: So, your son wants to dress as a ballerina for Halloween? And your daughter, a wrestler? No biggee. You'll just dress as one of those guys who's about to jump off a tall bridge.
PISCES: Trick or treat? Like that’s a tough choice. Would you like a wedgie or a Jagerbomb? Swine flu or a subscription to Playboy? Date night with your wife of 18 years or a kidney punch? These are not difficult choices, children. Now, have some of these crappy candy dots on paper and get off my lawn.