ARIES: Mars is in your house of fame. What's that mean? Simply put: you, a stubborn wedgie, and YouTube.
TAURUS: Only 55 shopping days left until your MasterCard grows a fist and punches you square in the face at Victoria's Secret.
GEMINI: Quit sucking your thumb, get out of the fetal position, and crawl out from behind the bleachers. Halftime's over, Coach. The prekindergartners can't wait to learn more about flag football. And your divorce. And your hair plugs. And if you've seen Astro Boy. And if they can go potty. And where babies come from.
CANCER: No, you can't contract H1N1 from sausage patties. But you can come down with a mean case of fatass.
LEO: Your toddler has ADHD and your teen, debilitating apathy. Looks like getting to Grandma's for Thanksgiving is going to require the ol' straightjacket and winch.
VIRGO: Do NOT stuff the turkey with THAT.
LIBRA: Bake sale! And this time, I really think the other moms believed the Twinkies were homemade. Because, yeah. Twinkies. Everyone has a family recipe for Twinkies.
SCORPIO: It's your birthday month! Pffft. Like that's meant anything for 20 years.
SAGITTARIUS: The stars are aligned! In the tattoo your daughter got! On her left buttock! With your money!
CAPRICORN: Your zodiac symbol is the seagoat. Is that ancient Greek for bastard?
AQUARIUS: White linens. Polished silver. Free-range turkey. Calligraphy place cards. Sunflowers arranged just so. Crystal goblets of Chardonnay. Heirloom squash. The children scrubbed and pressed. A handful of organic Xanax.
PISCES: It's okay to buy a scarecrow at the hardware store. It's not okay to leave him in the passenger seat for three months because you think he's a great conversationalist.