ARIES: On the first day of Christmas your true love gave to you: a Partridge Family 8-track and a dented can of Bartlett pears in heavy syrup.
TAURUS: On the second day of Christmas your true love gave to you: two cans of Turtle Wax and the wrapper from a Dove Ice Cream Bar. I stole the last one while you were upstairs putting the kids to bed. Psych!
GEMINI: On the third day of Christmas your true love gave to you: three petrified French fries and a couple of chicken McNuggets I found under the minivan's floor mat.
CANCER: On the fourth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: four calling cards that might have some minutes left on them, but I'm not too sure about that. Why don't you let me have them back so I can test them out?
LEO: On the fifth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: five Golden Retriever turds I found on the dining room rug. I'm not sure what to do with them. Do I just flush these, Honey, or should I throw them in the garbage? What? Why are you looking at me like that? It's an honest question!
VIRGO: On the sixth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: a photo of six geese getting laid. Again. Why are you looking at me like that? This is a nice damn nature photo!
LIBRA: On the seventh day of Christmas your true love gave to you: seven Schwan's frozen dinners, swimming in resentment.
SCORPIO: On the eighth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: Hey, look, I can't afford eight maids to provide this freaking family with milk, much less clean our decrepit split-level, but here's a nice breast pump I found on eBay and a Swiffer WetJet.
SAGITTARIUS: On the ninth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: nine ladies dancing. Yes. That's holiday code for: gift card to strip club. Wait. I changed my mind. Give that back. That's mine. Here's your gift card. It's to Cracker Barrel. And it's for $15! Go enjoy yourself some cornbread while I enjoy myself a lap dance.
CAPRICORN: On the tenth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: Hmm. I don't know any lords, much less ones that leap around. But here's a Whitman's Sampler. I left you the ones with walnuts.
AQUARIUS: On the eleventh day of Christmas your true love gave to you: eleven corncob pipes. Because, hey! Who doesn't like a corncob pipe? Am I right? It's a goddamned pipe made out of goddamned corn! Frickin' genius!
PISCES: On the twelfth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: twelve drumsticks. The boneless kind from Wendy's. They're sorta cold after sitting in my car while I was in the strip club, but it's the thought that counts.
